Humor About Conservatives


According to Liberals

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You Might Be a Conservative if:
  • You're really happy with your 40 hour work week, paid vacations and company-provided health care, but you're strongly anti-union.
  • You strongly support the First Amendment and its guarantee of religious freedom, but you don't think Muslims have a right to build an Islamic Community Center near the site of the former Twin Towers.
  • You believe Ronald Reagan was a devout Christian, even though he didn't like going to church, but any president who spends twenty years going to the same Black Liberation Theology Church in Chicago must be a Muslim.
  • You believe the wealthiest Americans are "job creators".
  • You believe President Obama's support for gay marriage will weaken the sanctity of marriage.
  • In the Trayvon Martin-George Zimmerman case, you immediately took the side of Zimmerman, because Martin was wearing a hoodie and had no business being out at night in a gated community.
  • You take Mitt Romney at his word when he said "Of course I would have given the order [to go after bin Laden in Pakistan], even Jimmy Carter would have".
  • You tout the concept of "American Exceptionalism".
  • You think Mitt Romney would have made a better president than Barack Obama because he's had hands-on experience in the business world.
  • Your desk has a drawer for holding computer punchcards.
  • You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
  • You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
  • You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
  • You've referred to the moral fiber of something.
  • You support a waiting period for abortions but not for gun purchases.
  • You think deregulation of the airline industry has been successful.
  • You believe the NRA contributes more to American life than the NEA.
  • You think trickle down economics actually trickles down.
  • You really believe that cutting taxes increases government revenues.
  • You actually think that FOX News does not "spin".
  • You're for tax cuts for the rich because you actually believe that one day you'll be rich.
  • You believe that the worst Republican in the world is better than the best Democrat.
  • You believe that W is a "man of God" although he does everything Christianity tells us NOT to do.
  • You think NPR should receive no government subsidy.
  • You actually believe the election results in 2000 and 2004 were fair.
  • "N*****" is a staple of your vocabulary.
  • You believe federal judges MAKE laws.
  • You're a "good Christian" but you hate more people than you love.
  • If you think Bush, not Cheney, was in charge.
  • You finally have a news channel you can trust in Fox.
  • You believe that bombing Iraq has something to do with September 11.
  • You believe Barbara Bush is a sweet old lady, who wouldn't hurt a fly.
  • You use "uh" as the seventh vowel.
  • You are against gay marriage but have no problem marrying your cousin.
  • You think the Republican Party likes you for more than your money.
  • You believe that if you work hard enough that someday you too might be as rich as Bush and his friends.
  • The only person of Asian heritage you know is your gardener, the only person of Hispanic heritage you know is your garbage man, the only person of African-American heritage you know is your cleaning lady, the only homosexual you know is your interior decorator, yet you are sure that you have a firm grasp of minority issues.
  • When you see a homeless person, a panhandler, or a destitute "bag lady" who is pushing her shopping cart full of her meager belongings down the street, you use your cell phone to call the police.
  • You think that Sandra Day O'Connor is just too darned liberal.
  • You've never read the constitution, but you feel you know exactly what it says.
  • You believe God is on your side.
  • You think the media is "liberal".
  • You're pro-life AND pro-death penalty.
  • You believe there is something patriotic about the PATRIOT act.
  • You think that Tom Ridge was qualified to run the Department of "Homeland Security" because there were no attacks on America during his watch.
  • You think of Colin Powell as a "good" Negro, I mean African-American.
  • You believe Bush was trying to fly back to D.C. on September 11th.
  • You truly believe the current GOP is the party of Lincoln.
  • You believe slavery has ended.
  • You believe that Clarence Thomas and Ward Connerly are black.
  • You see no reason to shower more than once a week.
  • You find the FOX News Channel to be "fair and balanced".
  • You have a copy of the bible that says that Jesus was a white American.
  • Your solutions for everything are tax cuts.
  • You believe that sleeping with your first cousin is alright but God forbid two people of the same gender try and build a life together.
  • You think that 9/11 changed the world.
  • You think Bill O'Reilly's FOX News show really is a "no spin zone".
  • You think you're middle class but you're really just upper white trash.
  • You secretly wish that poor and disabled people who cannot afford prescription medications would just drop dead, so you can keep your hard-earned wages, interest, and dividends to yourself.
  • You think that Christian faith will fix anything that can't be fixed by the free market.
  • You don't have a library card, don't have a computer, don't take a newspaper but never miss FOX News.
  • The thought of a poor black woman having a baby makes you physically ill.
  • Your favorite verse from the Bible is "those that do not work, do not eat".
  • You believe that the NRA is defending the Constitution and not the ACLU.
  • You think you are defeating, rather than causing more terrorism and hatred all over this planet.
  • Amos 'n' Andy was one of your favorite TV shows and you just can't understand why black people would be offended by it.
  • You believe that anyone who talks of peace is either a Communist or is providing aid to the terrorists.
  • Your favorite exercise is dressing in a white sheet and scaring the new neighbors.
  • You believe Christianity is oppressed in America.
  • You believe God's law should trump secular law.
  • You think the New York Times is a liberal newspaper.
  • You believe the Twin Towers came down because of exploding jet fuel.
  • You aren't rich, but believe you will be some day.
  • You think we are winning the war on terror.
  • You think more spending for more jails is the answer to crime.
  • You've never actually met a black person who's not hired help.
  • You worry about blacks on welfare.
  • You tell your gay brother you don't think of him as gay, just as your brother.
  • You believe Reagan ended the Cold War.
  • You are against affirmative action, but if the Supreme Court appoints a mental retard (George W. Bush) to the Presidency, that's ok.
  • You are angry because the cleaners lost your swastika arm band.
  • You believe in God and lower taxes.
  • You understand why Timothy McVeigh hated the U.S. Government.
  • You were upset about Waco and Ruby Ridge.
  • You don't vote.
  • You think the L.A. Times is a liberal newspaper.
  • You believe Obama is from Kenya.
  • You can't enjoy a meal unless you know someone else is going hungry.
  • Your car has a bumper sticker from the local Christian school.
  • You really believe there is a double tax on dividends.
  • You couch your racism in your political views.
  • You're too stupid to know that martial law will be declared at the next "terrorist attack".
  • You believe that your leaders talk to God.
  • You believe the War on Drugs is winnable.
  • You really believe there is such a thing as "The Liberal Press".
  • You believe Bush knew nothing about 9-11, before the fact.


Conservative Humor

  1. About President George W. Bush

    It used to tick me off when the Muslim detractors in the Middle East, or the socialist detractors in Europe, Hollywood and other cesspools of America called my President a cowboy, but the more I think about it, the more glad I am that he is. When I was a kid, cowboys were my heroes.

    What were common attributes of these legendary cowboys? Here are a few:

    • They were never looking for trouble.
    • But when it came, they faced it with courage.
    • They were always on the side of right.
    • They defended good people against bad people.
    • They had high morals.
    • They had good manners.
    • They were honest.
    • They spoke their minds and they spoke the truth, regardless of what people thought or "political correctness", which no one had ever heard of back then.
    • They were a beacon of integrity in the Wild West.
    • They were respected. When they walked into a saloon (where they usually drank only sarsaparilla), the place became quiet and the bad guys kept their distance.
    • If in a gunfight, they could outdraw anyone. If in a fist fight, they could beat up anyone.
    • They always won. They always got their man. In victory, they rode off into the sunset.
    Those were the days when there was such a thing as right and wrong, something blurred in our modern world, and denied by many. Those were the days when women were respected and treated as ladies, because they acted like ladies.
    Now as a senior citizen, I still like cowboys. They represent something good - something pure that America has been missing.
    Ronald Reagan was a cowboy. I like Ronald Reagan, who was brave, positive, and who gave us hope. He wore a white hat. To the consternation of his liberal critics, he had the courage to call a spade a spade and call the former Soviet Union what it was - the evil empire. Liberals hated Ronald Reagan.
    They also hate President Bush because he distinguishes between good and evil. He calls a spade a spade, and after 911 called evil "evil", without mincing any words, to the shock of the liberal establishment. That's what cowboys do. He also told the French to "put their cards on the table" (old West talk), which they did, exposing their cowardice and greed.
    In the old West, might did not make right. Right made right. Cowboys in white hats were always on the side of right, and that was their might.
    I am glad my president was a "cowboy".
  2. Fernando is belling indoctrinated by the Cuban government:

    Government Official: If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?

    Fernando: Give it to my country.

    Government Official: And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?

    Fernando: Give it to my country.

    Government Official: And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?

    No reply.

    Government Official asks the question again.

    And still no reply.

    Finally he shouts: Fernando, why don't you reply?

    Fernando: Because I have a sweater.
  3. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
  4. Q. How many Keynesian economists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. All of them because then you will generate employment, more consumption, and aggregate demand.
  5. When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.
  6. A man was attacked and left bleeding in a ditch. Two psychiatrists passed by and one said to the other, "We must find the man who did this - he needs help."
  7. Liberals think that you can reform an axe murderer. They don't want to kill anything. They want to change the Listerine labels: "Rehabilitate the germs that can cause bad breath."
  8. There were four million people in the Colonies, and we had Washington, Jefferson, and Franklin. Now we have three hundred and twenty-five million and we got Obama and Biden. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong.
  9. A passerby watched the progress of two workmen on a Havana Street. One stopped every twenty feet to dig a hole, the second filled it in as soon as he was done, and they moved on to the next site. Finally, overcome by curiosity, the observer asked what in heaven's name they were doing.
    "You certainly aren't accomplishing anything," she pointed out.
    "You don't understand at all," protested one worker indignantly. "We are usually a team of three: I dig the hole, Romario plants the tree, and Carlos packs the dirt back in. Today Romario is home with the flu, but that doesn't mean Carlos and I should stop working, does it?"
  10. Did you hear about the man who hanged himself in a modern art gallery? It was three weeks before anyone noticed.
  11. The best way to tell if a modern painting is completed is to touch it. If the paint is dry, it's finished.
  12. You're from California if you've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
  13. You're from California if your pet has its own psychiatrist.
  14. What do you call a hippie with a haircut?
    The defendant.
  15. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
    Nine. One to turn the bulb, and eight to share the experience.
  16. How many California therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Just one, but it takes 36 visits.
  17. What.s the American Indian word for "lousy hunter"?
    Vegetarian.
  18. Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello." The second thinks: I wonder what he meant by that.
  19. How do we know Adam was a Baptist?
    Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.
  20. In the west, you watch television; in Russia, the television watches you.
  21. Two social workers see a man lying on the pavement covered in blood. As they walk past, one says to the other, "Whoever did that really needs help."
  22. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.




 

 

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

Edmund Burke

 

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something, and I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."

Edward Everett Hale





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